Verisimilitude // something that only appears to be true.
(especially w/regard to mental health)
also read: she’s actually a little bit mental.
In truth, itโs been a long time since someone has called me mental. Because “๐ธ๐ฐ๐ฌ๐ฆ” adults donโt use that word. But, it doesnโt bother me…
… Because it’s not that far from the truth.
Mental Health ย is Wellness
Thoughย I try to share what’s in my head, sometimes… ย For the most part, we skirt the edges of mental health in the wellness world; because the fact of the matter is, โmental healthโ is a euphemism for being mentally unwell. At least it is for me. The only time my mental health is a topic of conversation, at all, is when I am really quite unwell.
โ โ โ โ โ โ โ โ โ
I’ve been unwell.
In fact, Iโve been a ghost. But not because Iโm “ghosting” you. Itโs hard to explain, and Iโm typically quite good with words. But Iโll try. Itโs like opening your mouth, but nothing comes out.
โ โ โ โ โ โ โ โ โ
Not words, not air, not anything.
โ โ โ โ โ โ โ โ โ
Everything is locked up tight. You canโt even exhale. So you sip air inโฆ slowlyโฆ and hope you donโt explode. When I was younger, I liked to ride the wild swings; but being rational, and having children changes the way you cope. If you can call this coping. So, Iโve learned to white-knuckle my way through… in neutral. Because feeling anything is absolutely, positively, too much, so I cope by shuttingโฆ itโฆ down.
โ โ โ โ โ โ โ โ โ
… and that is where Iโve been. not being the best wife. not being the best mom. not being the best writer, friend, or โcreator.โ just fucking white-knuckling it in neutral. [sorry].
โ โ โ โ โ โ โ โ โ
๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐โฆ ๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐, ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐.
โ โ โ โ โ โ โ โ โ
I think a decade of white-knuckling & sipping the air in is the extent of my capacity. So, today Iโm opening my mouth and forcing myself to exhaleโฆ lest I burst.
It’ll be a slow and long stairway to “normal,” but I’m finally in a place where I can begin to consider taking a step.
โ โ โ โ โ โ โ โ โ
*ps- Iโve gotten so many DMs. Thank you and I love you. #WordsbyFe
โโ
[painting of me / โFalse Confidenceโ, oil on canvas, 2007 by @heathernotjerry ]
Xo, Kimberly Fe'Lix
