At some point in the last decade, the glorification of busy has taken a strong hold in American society. With that glorification came the sentiment that self care is somehow selfish. And if that wasn’t bad enough, mama’s get it even worse. It always seems that people are hypercritical of mothers that practice self-care as if a woman is incapable of taking care of both herself and *gasp* her children.
It’s absurd, I know. But honestly, I fell into this trap for years. I would put the needs, wants, and desires of everyone else in my family over myself. And it never occurred to me to do otherwise until I finally couldn’t take it anymore. It’s this journey back to self that has inspired to me to open up a dialog about self care and motherhood, because it’s really fucking important. First I wanna talk about how I got here, and then I wanna share with you how I try to practice self care EVERY Morning and EVERY Night.
Yup… you read that right. EVERY SINGLE DAY.
So… what is self-care?
First off, let’s address the obvious. Self-care does not have to be some super extravagant thing. Self-care is, simply put, the act of filling your own cup first. Whatever that means to you. If it means meditation, great. A quiet walk, great. If it means jamming out to some really loud rap (with the headphones on so you don’t wake the baby), then that’s great, too. Whatever you need to do to feel like you are filled up and ready to take on the world. That is self-care.
I think fact that I’ve always associated self-care with extremely time consuming and relatively expensive rituals was highly problematic. It’s likely the main reason that I went years, literally, without practicing self-care regularly. Before kids, my version of self-care was a spa day and brunch. After kids, I simply couldn’t seem to find the time or justify the cost of doing those things regularly (“regularly” = a few times a month). And once I removed spa days and long luxurious brunches from the table, I didn’t really have anything left. It’s also important to note that I tend to have an all or nothing personality. In my head, those things equaled self-care, and nothing else did. So… I did nothing else.
If you ask me, I will swear up and down that I am not high maintenance. If you ask my husband you will hear a different story… so, like, just don’t ask him.
Anyway, this went on for years.
Somewhere around the time, my middle child was 2 years old, I clawed my way out of a self care desert. But, I subsequently regressed because I still hadn’t really changed my perspective on what self care meant to me. I still really thought of self care as spa days, soul cycle girl dates, and brunches. So, as you might have guessed, that became difficult to maintain with any regularity. I did still have children, after all. And if I’ve learned anything about self care, it’s that it has to happen regularly.
Consistency matters
Consistency is EVERYTHING. Because, if you let your cup go empty, it becomes harder to fill it back up. And so you just walk around all the time with a mostly empty cup. In my case, this includes children who are always trying to take a sip. And husbands. Oh, and the world… the world is also trying to take a sip.
So, fast forward another few years and I was now a mother of three. My daughter was born and I was dealing with a bit of postpartum anxiety. Months passed and not only did I have a non-existent self-care regime, but I also was barely even doing the normal care things. Ya know, like showering. I wasn’t sleeping because, hello newborn. And in spite of the fact that my husband is extremely hands on and really amazing with our children, I just wasn’t letting anyone help me. Until I finally couldn’t take it anymore.
For me, it happened quite suddenly. I was having a particularly difficult time sleeping. My body felt like shit because I wasn’t taking care of it. And I just woke up one night feeling extremely anxious and like I couldn’t do THIS another day. After waking up the next morning and having my coffee I realized that perhaps things weren’t as dire as they seemed at 2’oclock in the morning. But, even if I could technically do this for as many days as I needed to, I didn’t want to. And more importantly, I wasn’t sure why I felt that I needed to.
So, I sat myself down and I had a real serious conversation with myself. And this is how I honed in on what daily self-care would look like for me.
Get focused
First, I wrote a list of what my ideal day would look like. I asked myself these questions: what would an ideal morning look like? What about the things I’d love to accomplish during the middle of the day? And what about the evenings? Then I course corrected for the reality that is three children. That means adding their wake up times, nap times, school times, extracurriculars, and bedtimes into the list. Then I looked at that ideal list and decided how I could squish the most important things in.
Below, I’ve shared the highlights of how I created a self-care regime, but the most important takeaways are:
1- Fill your cup ladies. People will consistently be asking of you. So you need to be consistently refilling.
2- Ask for help. And accept it when offered.
3- Priorities, Priorities, Priorities. What do you value the most? How can you insert it every day?
The Highlights
Mornings
1- Waking up to screaming children sucks. I don’t think you can comprehend how much it pains me to say this. Because you see, I grew up watching lifetime movies where the children would come into their parent’s room and squeal with joy and everyone would happily snuggle in bed and the parents didn’t seem to hate it. So, I expected not to hate it. And with my eldest, this was at least somewhat our reality. He was calm and quiet for at least the first hour after waking up. And snuggly, oh man was he snuggly. But my middle child… he’s a wildebeest. Like a literal howling crazy man… from the moment his eyes open he is on 112. He wants to snuggle, but it actually feels more like wrestling, and he is anything but quiet. So, as much as I hate to say it… waking up to screaming children… not ideal.
2- I feel best when I can get my body stretched and moving first thing in the morning. I’d rather not do this with tiny wildebeests climbing on me. I can, but frankly, I’d rather not. 10mins of yoga or just stretching can really go a long way.
3- It also doesn’t suck when I feel a little pretty because I’ve taken the time to do simple things like wash my face, brush my teeth and take off my bonnet. I know, I’m fancy.
So, my ideal morning self care is centered around addressing those three things. And the glaring fix was quite simple… wake up at least 40mins before my kids. This one is obvious to many, but when you are on sleep deprivation level 100, opening your eyes even 1 min before you have to feels like a big loss. But, none of the other things could come together otherwise. So… here we are.
Once I had my morning self-care schedule down (which I’ll share next week) I figured I might as well tackle the evening. The process was pretty much the same. My criteria looked like this:
Evenings
1- Evening tidying. Because I really hate waking up to last nights mess.
2- Husband/Wife check in. Before kids, there is a lot of talking to your man. After kids, there is a lot of talking around your man. For my husband and I, it has become imperative that we have an evening check in; if only to briefly be sure we are on the same page for what needs to be done for the next few days and to check in with each other on current affairs. This is NOT a romantic check in. Bullet points, baby, bullet points. I told you this brain is still stuck back in corporate america. This is the “Wednesday is Soccer, but I can’t take him because I have an appointment,” + “I’m going to Costco tomorrow do you need to add anything to the list,” + “Pre-school pre-registration begins next week, we’ll want to be sure to reserve our spot,” kind of talk. Sexy, I know.
3- Personal check in. Write down the 3 most important tasks for the next day. Gotta get my head in the game.
4-Nightime skincare. You can see my old pm routine here – but note that I’m working to transition my skincare to clean/non-toxic beauty products. I’ve been trying some great products, but haven’t quite nailed down the full routine. I’ll share it when I have.
5- Evening shower. I’m talking low lights + soft music + lush body care items. This is the real evening self-care heavy-hitter. Because, frankly, a normal mom shower entails someone screaming your name the second you start to shave. This literally only has to last 10mins. And I’m not perfect, but on the nights I make it a priority I sleep better and wake up not needing an immediate shower. Jackpot.
6- (+/-) boom chicka wah wha. or (+/-) a good book. I mean, do I need to say more?
So there you have it.
Figuring out what I really valued was seriously 80% of the battle. Its was way easier than I thought it would be, once I had a plan. And I’m telling you, EVERYONE benefits from me feeling calm, centered, and like I’m actually taking strides to re-fill my own cup. So if you are finding yourself feeling completely depleted, especially as a mama or caregiver who gives so much of yourself to others, I urge you to sit down and figure out your self care game plan. You might feel a little selfish at first, but self care is is anything but selfish.
My favorite quote to back that up: “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” – unknown
And look, I still very much love a good brunch and spa day, but this is the stuff that builds strong foundations. And this year I am all about sustainable changes.
Tell me, Have you established a solid daily self care routine?
Xo, Kimberly Fe'Lix
